Mike Maeshiro has been on a roll lately. One of his latest post Five Things That Finally Break Evangelical Faith

God Made Me Gay with Mike Maeshiro

God Made Me Gay - Five Things That Finally Break Evangelical Faith

I spent a lot of time reading deconstruction stories. I ignored the polished ones, the influencer ones and the versions that get turned into TED Talks. I’m talking about the raw, anonymous Reddit posts. The comment sections where people are not performing. They are just telling the truth because something inside them finally snapped…

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2 months ago · 9 likes · Mike Maeshiro

had a lot of compelling thoughts that succinctly captured my ascent into paganism (lol).

1. For a lot of people, becoming a parent breaks the theology.

When my son was two or three I was giving him a bath. We were out of his soap so I reached for our shampoo. His mom overheard and screamed from the kitchen, “No! Don’t use our soap!”

“I’m being very careful not to get it near his eyes!” I responded (it wasn’t tear free).

“That’s not what I’m worried about - it’s the ingredients! It’s filled with all sorts of chemicals that are linked to all kinds of horrible diseases.” She yanked the bottle from my hand.

I looked at her for a second then replied, “Then why the hell do we use it?”

That conversation is what set us down the path towards cleaning as many chemicals out of our life as possible.

The same thing happened with the bible.

In 2021 I asked my grandparents for a big kids bible for my son who was turning four because I figured he was ready to graduate to a big kids bible. They sent one and I quickly found myself struggling to find a few verses that weren’t totally screwed up to read to a four year old.

• Daughters raping their dads.

• Killing wives if they don’t bleed enough on their wedding nights.

• Smashing babies heads against rocks.

• Talking about penises as big as a horse’s.

• Lots of imagery of semen.

• An astounding amount of genocides ordered by god.

• Sex slaves.

• Murder.

• Lust.

• Greed.

• Torture.

• Mutilation.

The list goes on and on… Which made me ask, what age group is this book actually appropriate for?

2. People watched churches abandon compassion for power in real time.

I remember finding out my church had a “secret” men’s group who had been meeting through the early pandemic day lockdowns. I hadn’t been invited - maybe it was my non-meat eating ways that made me too liberal to be trusted with the in-crowd?

My heart breaks for the MAGA “xtians” trapped in the cesspool of xtian nationalism, alt-right conservative republicanism. I hope that one day, they will find the courage to question their complicity in a system wreaking profound harm on their neighbours.

Looking back I should have known a church with cars in the parking lot with AR-15 stickers in various sizes representing dad, mom, and all the kids would never be welcoming to a vegan, father of a non-white child, and feminazi partner. A church where we had armed guards (disguised in suits) and elders concealed carrying it was never about love for your neighbor. It was about power and might fighting for a right to kill, hate, and to justify greed.

3. … children beaten “biblically”

Shortly after my son was born, my parents came to meet their newest grandson. One afternoon he woke from a nap — hungry and sitting in a dirty diaper — he began to cry.

My father looked at me and said,
“That is his sin nature, demanding to get his way. As his father it is your duty to teach him how to mortify his flesh.”

He was two months old.

I remember the dread that welled up in me. Not annoyance. Not irritation. Dread.
His eternal soul was my responsibility. If I failed, he would burn in hell forever. If I was weak, Satan would win. If I did not break his will, the world would devour him.

I had been spanked growing up — a lot. I had absorbed the design of this morbid parenting strategy. Pain equals love. Obedience equals righteousness. Fear equals safety. I guess I had been a bad kid. Why else would it have happened so much?

Spanking was the only tool I had been handed.

My wife had different ideas about raising our son though. Less authoritarian. Less focus on unquestioning obedience. Less reliance on punishment. We clashed in those early years. The church told me she was drifting. A wayward feminist. Susceptible to deception by the world and its master Satan. I was told a rebellious wife spreads like cancer through a household. I was expected, as the man god’s chosen head of the house-hold, to discipline my son and to correct my wife and bring her back into the fold.

I believed them.

I believed that resistance to spanking was rebellion against God.
I believed that the secular world opposed corporal punishment because it wanted weak fathers and disobedient children. Why? Because they were easier prey for sin.
I believed love always requires force above compassion or empathy - I mean god hated me so much he brutally murdered his own son to save me but then called it love…

Which brings me to the final point…

4. … if hell is real, God is a monster.

I was a card carrying Calvinist. Therefore I believed (because there are a surprising amount of bible verses to back up the theology) that before god said “Let there be light.” he knew the name, birthdate, death date and every detail in between about every person EVER. He also knew which ones were going to heaven and which ones he had preordained to go to hell. Both places are eternal. Never ending. You’re stuck. You cannot leave. That is it. He decided. Then created you.

Furthermore, we all really deserve hell, forever. God cannot stand us, he hates us because of our sin. So, he killed his son. Only his son’s death could not atone for everyone’s sin. In fact god didn’t really want it to. Somehow someone being tortured forever was supposed to bring him more glory than that person (who he created) could bring hanging out with him forever in heaven. Does that make ANY sense? If you say yes, you really should stop drinking the kool-aid.

All that changed though for me on October 26, 2020 when my mom died by suicide. I remember a few months after her funeral dad telling me mom was in hell. My mom and I didn’t get along for the last twenty years of her life or so. She had struggled with severe undiagnosed and untreated mental health issues for most of my adolescence and all of my adulthood. Still she was my mom and the thought of her suffering eternal conscious torment (ECT) was too horrible to process.

How was I supposed to enjoy heaven? If I was one of the lucky few who made it in (according to my old church’s metric I won’t though - a queer, anti-gun, liberal, Buddhist is going straight to hell) knowing my mom was suffering? Every good thing I was going to enjoy in heaven she was going to be in the midst of suffering. How many other people did I know who would be suffering alongside her? This mystery was one of things the church had no answer for, other than to say god will sort it out and you’ll know when you’re dead and you’ll be okay with it. I remember hearing once that those suffering in hell would actually worship god because they would realize it was his justice which compelled their never ending misery. What the FUCK!?

5. People realize they aren’t staying because of what resonates, they’re staying because they were scared.

I don’t remember the exact date I came to realize it was fear which held me in the church. It was not love. I did not know peace. I had very little joy, happiness, or contentment. So, I walking away. Walking quickly turned to running. When running wasn’t getting me away fast enough I jumped. I expected misery, fear and suffering to greet me at the bottom; instead what I found in agnosticism was profound peace. A sense that I had finally found the truth. I was no longer afraid of death. I was no longer angry. I was happy. I was at peace. I slept better. I drank less (a lot less). I found a joy the church had never given me. True. Real. Lasting. Deeply rooted. Filled with love.

Minnesotans are insisting that their neighbors are their neighbors whether they were born in Minneapolis or Mogadishu. That is, arguably, a deeply Christian philosophy, one apparently loathed by some of the most powerful Christians in America.

“The Neighbors Defending Minnesota from ICE” 1/26/26

For too long, Western religion has been used as a tool for control — relying on oppression, fear, hatred, and greed to accomplish this purpose. It frames both people and the natural world as objects to be managed rather than relationships to be honored. In recent years, I have stepped away from white evangelical xtianity (they don’t adhere to his teachings so why should his name be in their title?) which promotes this worldview. I have become opposed to the ego-driven model of domination it promotes. I no longer believe the world is something to control or conquer, nor that order should be imposed from above. Power does not flow through force, hierarchy, or coercion, and obedience is not superior to understanding. Moral clarity emerges through self-examination, not blind certainty.

This way of seeing and relating to the world aligns closely with Taoist philosophy — an ethic of attunement (not atonement) rather than control — harmony rather than domination.

In a similar departure from what Western religion has largely become over the past eighteen centuries, is an ethic of nonviolence. So is a focus on inner purity over external law, intention over ritual, and radical compassion over judgment. This, one could argue, is the heart of what Jesus taught in the Sermon on the Mount.

Furthermore I’ve come to understand that there is no personal, intervening God — not because divinity is non-existent, but primarily because it is not separate from us. Jesus was not claiming personal superiority (I am the son of god) rather he was pointing to a shared reality: this is what you are too (god), but you don’t know it. What he expressed was a unity of consciousness, not an elevated ego.

In Taoist terms, the Tao cannot know itself as an object, because it precedes all distinction. It comes to know itself through expression and relationship — through the living world. All life is the Tao (or God, if you prefer) experiencing and recognizing itself.

What Jesus was teaching was hijacked and weaponized into an instrument of empire — a theology of domination used to justify colonization, conquest, and control by those claiming “God is with us.” The harm is written across our planet and its people: women, queer communities, Native Americans, non-white populations, and countless others. This violence was not accidental; it flowed from an ego-driven worldview rooted in force, coercion, and power imposed from above.

We are seeing this playing out in real time, on our streets right now as a fascist regime claiming “God is with us” is authorizing deadly force against anyone deemed an enemy of the empire.

For a long time now, the gun rights movement has been animated by the promise of a violent reckoning, a sentiment nurtured by the groups that represent it and Republican politicians, who seek to channel a wild, truculent energy into votes and profits.

“The Violent Reckoning the Gun Rights Movement Long Wanted Is Playing Out in Minneapolis”

How can so many xtians have lost their way? Blinded by fear they buy guns and ammo in bulk. Blinded by hate, they cheer as ICE terrorizes their neighbors. Blinded by greed they demand cheaper eggs in exchange for the peace, happiness, and joy of their neighbors. Don’t they remember that whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life will find it?

So, when you blend these universal truths across a wide spectrum of faith traditions what do you get?

Theosophy.

Theosophy is perspective, or theology if you will, which posits a belief in universal spiritual truths. In other words all religions are an expression of an ancient wisdom. Each of these traditions is a partial lenses of the truth.

Humanity is progressing through stages of consciousness over many lifetimes. Reincarnation and karma are core ideas.

Truth is not handed down by authority. It is achieved through ethical living, study, meditation, and self discipline.

It strongly rejects blind faith.

Theosophy is bound up heavily in Buddhism and Hinduism, philosophy, early science. as well as the teachings of Jesus (namely Sermon on the Mount) and is influenced by Taoism as well.

All reality flows from a single, ultimate source, and that the purpose of human life is to return to that source through contemplation and inner transformation (typically achieved through enlightenment, reincarnation, and karma).

Worship and obedience is not required. Instead a direct knowing that the universe is ordered, interconnected and intelligible is pursued through patience, self-love, and self-mastery.'

We all need to turn away from this ego-driven view of power over OUR world and its inhabitants.

In the end - the only thing that will matter is love. Deep down we all know that. For some it’s just buried, hidden, deeper than for others.

Namaste.

Nazi Germany did not become Nazi Germany overnight. Hitler didn’t seize absolute power in a single dramatic moment and ordinary Germans didn’t wake up one day inside a fully formed authoritarian state. The regime advanced incrementally, through laws, policies and bureaucratic systems that slowly narrowed who was protected and who wasn’t. Rights were suspended “temporarily,” the media was pressured “for public order” and courts were reshaped “for national stability,” with each step framed as reasonable, legal and necessary. Infrastructure was built not only in concrete and steel but in habit, normalization and lowered expectations. By the time the most horrifying outcomes arrived, the groundwork had already been laid.

Mike Maeshiro “Why a Journalist?”

I remember in 2016 the left saying that Trump was a Nazi. I dismissed it as hyperbole (I voted for him, I don’t vote for Nazis. So, obviously they are wrong). However, there was a nagging question in the back of my mind I couldn’t shake - “What are they seeing that I am not? Why would they say that?”

Using AI historians were able to identify a photograph from the 1940’s of a Jewish man moments before his execution by a pistol wielding Nazi. The photo is hard for me to look at, I saw many similar moments in the Marine Corps - men using weapons to kill other men. The Nazi was a member of Reserve Police Battalion 101. They were too old for combat so they were enlisted to round up and kill Jews, LGBTQ+ humans, and other non-whites. In total this unit of less than 500 men who were salesmen, clerks, teachers, a.k.a. normal civilians shot to death 38,000 humans and deported over 45,000 to gas chambers.

“Imbued with years of propaganda and discouraged from independent thought, many of them committed genocide out of what they perversely believed to be professional obligation.”

“At Last, a Name for the Murderous Face in a Holocaust Photo”

Make no mistake America is the playground for a fascist dictator cozying up to billionaires. He is being empowered by xtian (as I’ve said before I replaced christ with x since his teachings are largely absent in much of the American church today) organizations such as Faith & Freedom and The Heritage Foundation and is turning our country into a police state. Tackling and detaining lawmakers, scooping up U.S. citizens, disappearing legal residents, violating 4th amendment rights, murdering moms, and men in handcuffs - all of this is now normal. When will you decide “this is enough”? What has to happen before you say “Maybe this is wrong”?

Hitler was supported early on by the Protestant church. They tried to fuse xtianity with Nazi ideology. They promoted nationalism, antisemitism, and loyalty to the state. Furthermore, they believed Hitler would restore order, oppose communism, and revive German pride. They welcomed Hitler because they thought he would bring about economic recovery and bring stability. The churches failed to stop Hitler. Self preservation outweighed moral confrontation. Clergy actively collaborated with Hitler. Too many stayed silent.

Does any of this sound familiar?

Germans have a saying: “What do you get when you have dinner with a Nazi? Two Nazis.”

Proximity equals complicity.

Calling it what it is…

ICE is a gang of boys in men’s bodies playing cosplay, living out their Call Of Duty fantasies. They are cruel weak bullies. They are modern day gestapo imbued with decades of propaganda and fueled by peer pressure.

Sound familiar?

It is past the time for action, but it’s never too late to join your voice with the millions who are standing up, as true patriots, for the future of this country as a place where life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness is for everyone. Period.

• Leave the table

• Be brave

• Speak out

• Love is the only way forward (and is not predicated on sexual orientation, skin color, nationality, or gender).

• And never forget silence is complicity.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

- M.L.K. Jr. Strength To Love, 1963

My journey of deconstructing my xtian faith, which inevitably led to deconversion, was a years-long process. During that journey, I toyed with the idea of calling myself an atheist and did so for a few months. However, in the end, I realized I was a spiritual person, and denouncing fully the idea of some greater being or source of it all felt impossible for me. So, I propped myself up and continued searching.

I don’t remember the first time I came across Alan Watts’s writings, but he is now a staple in my burgeoning Tao and Buddhist literature collection. I recently read two of his books, This Is It and Cloud Hidden. While I was reading those books, I was also simultaneously listening to his talks that his son had compiled into an anthology in podcast form. I was thrilled to discover that Alan had an extensive background in Episcopalian/Anglican Christianity but had become compelled to leave the church and explore Taoism, Buddhism, and Hinduism.

While Alan’s issues with the church differed from mine—I was concerned with the modern church’s hypocrisy and also scriptural issues surrounding semantics and exegesis—he was concerned with issues of theological contradictions, which, to be honest, had yet to crop up in my thought processes.

Christianity, even as it is understood by quite thoughtful Christians, is certainly no remedy for anxiety. In Christianity, it matters not just very much but absolutely that one choose good rather than evil, for one’s eternal destiny depends upon the decision. Yet to be certain that one is saved is the sin of presumption, and to be certain that one is damned is the sin of despair. - A.W. This Is It

The idea of eternal conscious torment in hell at the hands of a loving god is a morally repugnant idea, which must disprove the very idea if only through its absurdity.

When my son throws a temper tantrum when I tell him to clean his room, there are consequences. Maybe he loses TV privileges, dessert, or has to go to bed early. After the consequences for his behavior are doled out, that is the end of it. I don’t punish him every day for the rest of his life for the outburst. If I did so, I would be a cruel, malicious, evil parent. To believe god does this makes us more moral than her/he/them.

The Hebrew-Christian universe is one in which moral urgency—the anxiety to be right—embraces and penetrates everything.

God, the Absolute itself, is good as against bad, and thus to be immoral or in the wrong is to feel oneself an outcast not merely from human society but also from existence itself, from the root and ground of life.

To be in the wrong, therefore, arouses a metaphysical anxiety and sense of guilt—a state of eternal damnation—utterly disproportionate to the crime. This metaphysical guilt is so insupportable that it must eventually issue in the rejection of God and of his laws—which is just what has happened in the whole movement of modern secularism, materialism, and naturalism.

Absolute morality is profoundly destructive of morality, for the sanctions which it invokes against evil are far, far too heavy. One does not cure the headache by cutting off the head.

The appeal of Zen, as of other forms of Eastern philosophy, is that it unveils behind the urgent realm of good and evil a vast region of oneself about which there need be no guilt or recrimination, where at last the self is indistinguishable from God. - A.W. This Is It

I have compiled pages of highlighted notes from those two books, trying to condense it down into a blog post without copy and pasting it all here. It feels like an insurmountable problem. Those two books were immensely impactful, and I felt paralyzed by the desire to distill my observations into a quick read but unsure how to proceed in a reverent manner befitting the profound journey the books elicited within me.

I wish I could write half as well as Alan—my journey as a writer has been fraught with self-doubt and criticism—in the end, all I can do is keep write and see where it takes me. Writing has never let me down. I am far from figuring things out. Every day is a journey. All I know, though, is that leaving xtianity and stepping into Buddhism and Taoism has given my life a peace and joy I never knew as a xtian.

The energy and material which we have all squandered on making war since even 1914 could have warmed, fed, and clothed everyone on Earth, but we go about this atrocious squandering in the name of such immaterial and irrelevant fantasies as religion, honor, ideology, progress, racial purity, and patriotism—the last being not love of one’s country but of the idea of one’s country, of the mere image, the flag, the crown, the icon of Lenin, Mao’s little red book, the cross, the crescent, the swastika, and other such absurd baubles. - A.W. Cloud Hidden

I’ve been picking my way through The Kingdom, the Power, and the Glory as well as Jesus and John Wayne. Both books chronicle the rise of xtian nationalism in America. They’re hard books to read, as I see so much of my childhood and many of the experiences in the church growing up that have gotten us into the mess we’re in now.

As I’ve studied Alan Watts’s books and talks, I was shocked to discover he all but predicted the insanity our country finds itself in now—but way back in the 60s and 70s!

Christians and Jews who believe more firmly in the Devil than in God are always afraid that if they let go, the Devil will take over first, unaware that not having let go is the Devil already in full control.

For ordinary self-control is the domination of one’s behavior by the selfish self: its love is assumed, pretensive, and dutiful; its righteousness is hypocritical; its chastity issues in cruelty; its spiritual ideals are highbrow ways of inflating the ego; its profuse confessions of sin are subtle ways of one-upping more ordinary people; and its beneficence has an odd way of arousing resentment in its recipients. - A.W. Cloud Hidden

Or:

Calvinists (i.e., predestinarian Presbyterians) and Muslims half believe this: they concede that everything which comes to pass is the divine will but continue to regard themselves as separate and submissive subjects of that will. They are therefore notably energetic and aggressive people, but because they still regard themselves as puppets of that will, their energy takes a divisive, cantankerous, hostile, and exclusive course. For when you surrender to God, you must secretly hate him and then vent this hatred on other people. - A.W. Cloud Hidden

The adage “There’s no hate like christian love” rings especially true these days as I watch in horror the church I left years ago continue its unchecked obsession and love affair with their bloodlust and hate toward their enemies (anyone not in full compliance with white supremacist, anti-immigrant, anti-LGBTQ+, anti-women’s rights, pro-gun ideologies and agendas).

In true Alan style, though, he does leave glimmers of hope—words which encourage me to renew my commitment to speaking out against the atrocities being committed all over our country by MAGA as they succumb to their ignorance, hate, and greed.

I suppose the Taoist way of life is the polar opposite of Billy Graham’s muscular Christianity. - A.W. Cloud Hidden

Water is supple and soft, but give it enough time and it can wear anything down and break through any barrier. The Taoist life, lived in the flow, not seeking to resist, fight, or succumb to violence to gain superiority, is the water wearing away, every day, the hate, greed, and ignorance that hold our country in a stranglehold.

Tulku Sherdor said shortly after the election:

As a dharma person, you must realize that this world is not here to make you happy with its decisions and problems.

Rather, you are here to throw your hat in the ring and do anything you can to make it better, no matter how big or small.

We know this world for what it is. If we can’t accept it into our hearts, what point is there in talking about bodhisattva vows? Can we only live in a world where everyone is a bodhisattva? Good luck.

Don’t let your happiness rest on changing others’ views to fit your beliefs and needs. Let it rest on doing your best to model what a virtuous life can look like.

I’m going to take a page from the play book of the seals and bask in the beautiful things in this world - the sun, the wind, the smell of the ocean, the sound of waves lapping the shore, and feel the rain sprinkle my skin. Living in the moment is life. Perseverating on the future, or the past, keeps me from living life. Seals are great at living in the moment. I want to be like the seals.

Then on October 26th 2020 my mother climbed into her bathtub and ended her life with a firearm leaving my father to discover her mutilated body when he came home from bible study. There are parts of the xtian faith which adhere to the belief that suicide is a sin which condemns the individual who commits it to an eternity of conscious torment (ECT). At the time I was a calvinist, and as such I adhered to the idea of double predestination. So, god had predestined, before time had begun that my mother would be ordained to suffer ECT. The problem was that she had lived 40 years of her life in supreme devotion to god, even going so far as to forgive her husband (my dad) for thirteen years of infidelity with multiple women. Her reasoning? How can I expect god to forgive me if I don’t forgive him? She home-schooled her six children and made sure we all went to church every Sunday. A picture perfect (from the outside) example a dutiful xtian housewife raising her children to love the Lord. Yet her ECT sentence will never end.

How can a loving god torture his “children” forever?

In an effort to understand how a loving god could do this, I explored other facets of xtianiaty. Arminianism & universalism were at the top of the list. It was then that I discovered there is a lot of theological evidence for these (and other) positions and that everyone claims their’s is the true interpretation of the bible and that all others are wrong. In terms of the afterlife there is ECT, annihilation theory, and universalism. Again everyone claims they’re right and that the others are wrong.

How can the god who created the universe make things so muddy and open to such a wide array of interpretation? As I sought to balance out and navigate these wildly diverse opinions I discovered the bible is rife with problems.

There are two different creation stories. Two different genealogies of Jesus. Different portrayals of god’s essential character – is he peaceful or violent? Direct contradictions of god’s actions. It’s rife with mutually exclusive claims. Same events, opposite causes. Contradictory doctrines of salvation. The whole Exodus story is impossible. Ordering and justifying genocide. Prophecies that don’t come to pass. Then there is all the justified rape, hate, and anger — all these things god condemns and yet simultaneously exhibits in his character.

I’m not a stupid person — but how could I be so stupid to not see all the problems in the bible?

So, I jumped ship. I need space away from xtianity to try and make sense of all these problems. Watching xtians in America falling head over heels in love with MAGA has only cemented my confidence in keeping as far from the church as I possibly can.

So, that’s how it all went down from mid-2020 until early 2023. Since then I’ve become enamored with Buddhism & Taoism… More on that later.

With the cooler days I’ve ventured out into the mountains and discovered some absolutely divine alpine landscapes, berry patches, and even some leftover snow from last season to ski.

On the technology front I got a new computer. After putting in a pre-order back in the Spring my Framework Laptop 12 arrived just as my MacBook Pro bit the dust. I ordered the DIY one and got to install some of the hardware and keyboard myself. I am running Linux Mint on it too. So, far I’m loving it and can’t wait for them to release the stylus!

On the writing front I’ve published several chapters over the summer. I just released chapter 23 of Asi. It’s definitely one of the most, if not the most dark chapter in the whole saga. Definitely a lot of inner turmoil while I hemmed and hawed about publishing it…

On a side note I came across this comment on Reddit and thought it was pretty much on point as I’ve been feeling pretty disgusted with the crap happening in our country and world right now. It was a good reminder that while the world may seem absolutely horrible right now and families and communities are shattered we have everything we need for happiness within each of us. Focus on that.

One of the problems with our overly connected world today is we are all feeling more and more like we need the world to validate us. Social media places tremendous pressure on us to seek approval from others. This can be in small ways or big ways.

And, sadly, the people who make you think you need their approval have more power than ever before because social media gives them the ability to reach you directly, on a mass scale.

But the truth is, no one needs to validate you. You do not need anyone's approval. Not even your own.

You are letting others dictate your world for you. You are living and dying by their approval of what you care about and, ultimately, yourself. You are living in a world that's outside of yourself, instead of inside you.

Inside, you are whole. You have all that you need. You always have, and you always will. What we hate about ourselves is perception. Fear. Often placed inside us by others in the first place.

You do not need validation or approval to be at peace. No one else decides that for you.

The President wants you to be angry, and fearful, because of his words and actions. This is what he WANTS, because he, too, allows himself to fall victim to the words and actions of others that he feels persecuted or angered by. He, and people like him, seek to make themselves feel better, to feel like they have "won," by perpetuating the same thing back on those they hate.

By allowing him to pull you into his world and make you suffer, you are letting him dictate your world and your worth and ultimately, how you feel.

Take back your world. No one, NO ONE, needs to give it to you, and that even includes the people you agree with. You must take time to focus on you, to sit with yourself and begin to learn what it means to have compassion for YOU, to love yourself COMPLETELY, and to allow yourself to have PEACE.

No matter what is going on around us, we always deserve peace. Any moment can be our moment of peace. If we deny ourselves that, even if there are things we must work towards, we will destroy ourselves.

We started by heading south along the Hood River Canal before cutting west towards the ocean.

On day three I went for a gravel bike ride in Yachats, OR. About half-way through I was pretty far up in the hills on a nicely graded gravel road when I spooked a very large mountain lion. It was much too close for comfort — so, I decided to turn around a bit early.

Today we are pushing on to Lassen Volcanic National Park and then on to the wetlands of the Eastern Bay Area.

Housekeeping

I’ve been reading a few good books on this trip:

THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RIVER by Dr. Joe Tafur
SURFING THE HIMALAYAS by Frederick Lenz
THIS IS IT by Alan Watts

I’ll probably end up doing a book review on the Alan Watt’s book. It’s profound, deeply insightful, and eerily prophetic (in that he warned about the current shitstorm being perpetrated by Republicans in our country 65 plus years before it happened).

Also, my piece “Hookless” was published on Monday at the QAWC Substack.

The Queer & Affirming Writer's Collective by Mike Maeshiro

Hookless

Once a month or so the Queer and Affirming Writers Collective members are given a writers prompt and one week to complete the writing assignment. For June our prompt was: Write 1200 words about your arch nemesis. It could be an actual nemesis you had/have or one you would create based on who you are. What are they like? What do they do for a living? And…

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9 months ago · Isaac Tait

Been slow on the Wormwood Saga front the last few weeks (although I did do some heavy editing on the previously published chapters). Even with relatively short days of 150-180 miles there just isn’t enough time to write between tearing down camp, driving south, seeing the sights, and setting up camp. Perhaps when we get to the Bay Area and I have several days of being in one spot I’ll get some more writing in.

One thing I wanted to discuss was the name of the Saga’s protagonist - Andor. I came up with the name close to a decade ago. The Disney+ series had no bearing whatsoever on my naming decision. It’s a great Star Wars series btw. If you haven’t checked it out yet, I highly recommend it.

Asi Part II

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

In other news I’ve been having a blast in the wild places around my home. A few weeks ago there was a large bike race and demo event at Port Gamble Heritage Park.

June 1st I woke up at 0500 and headed into the Olympics to get my June turns in. The goal is to ski every month through November and then I’ll have skied every month for a year. Over 27km later and 6,500’+ of vert I had summited two peaks and gone skinny dipping (in a lake covered in ice - I had to break the ice to get in). Epic day. For July I’m eyeing Lassen Volcanic National Park.

Memorial Day marked the start of mountain stream fishing season. The water is flowing fast and VERY cold 🥶 but I had a blast. The rivers are loaded with fish.

Keep an eye on QAWC for a soon to be published piece on hookless fishing…

The Queer & Affirming Writer's Collective by Mike Maeshiro

My personal Substack

Tomorrow is the last day of school. So, today I’m going to head out for a bike ride. On my last ride I had a pretty gnarly crash that took me out of commission for a while.

Happy Pride everyone! Stay safe.

You can start Part One of Book Two - Asi here.

A friend of mine just published on her blog a great piece about her deconstruction/deconversion journey. She’s a great writer, so if you get a chance you should check out the piece she wrote here.

Earlier this week I went for an amazing ride on my single speed mountain bike. A new friend took me out for a ride on the Olympic Adventure Trail. We both have similar interests in Buddhism and share a passion for the outdoors, so not only was the ride phenomenal but the conversation and company was unbeatable. We rode over thirty miles, 99% of which was single track and we rode about half of the trail. An absolutely epic day.

You can read Part I of the second book, Asi - here:

https://story.wormwoodsaga.com/asi/i/author-note

and a flame crackling on the candle next to me I settle in to read the poetic, thought provoking, courage giving, enticing, and lovely words of Kaitlin's book Native.

The book covers so much, oftentimes only giving huge topics a glancing blow. Subjects like purity culture, gun control, and the bankrupt morality of the church and its followers. Still I came away from reading this book feeling fuller, more alive, and empowered. Empowered to take on white supremacy, patriarchy, and all other forms of racism and hate that have saturated our society.

Thoughts

I left the church last year. I am still struggling a whole year later though with wanting to be an atheist (or at the very least agnostic). I just cannot bring myself there... for some reason.

I feel that those who have deconstructed and de-converted and are atheist/agnostic are committed. They are brave. They are not controlled by deeply entrenched dogma and indoctrination. Because I cannot follow suit I am afraid that I am not committed. That I am succumbing to fear. That I am still struggling with the echos of the phobias that religion engrained in my psyche for decades.

So, with a bit of trepidation I ordered a copy of Kaitlin's book. I know that as a hetero presenting upper middle class white man it is essential that I seek out and center the voices of the marginalized, disenfranchised, and silenced. I was hesitant to order her book though because it felt to "christian". I was worried that it would center the dogma that I was so desperately trying to free myself from.

When we believe that ours in the only faith that contains the truth, violence and suffering will surely be the result.

Living Buddha, Living Christ by Thich Nhat Hanh (quoted by Kaitlin in Native)

While the book definitely has a christian bent to it - it did not feel toxic, oppressive, or repulsive. Rather Kaitlin spoke about the earth, its creation, and her people's interaction with the land through the lense of her people - The Potawatomi. The Potawatomi's view of the creator, creation, and their roles as care takers was a refreshing take on the over used ideas of judeo-christian empire.

White supremacy has done untold damage to our planet. To its inhabitants. To the animals and landscapes.

Kaitlin highlights this system of hate and oppression with a scathing, poignant, and tenacious recounting of stories both old and new. White supremacy is rooted in christianity - realizing our manifest destiny to rule the planet, to subdue it, to rape and pillage it of its resources, to not care for the land or the generations that will come after us who have to live with our selfish decisions rooted in greed and hate.

To care for the land, our planet, requires that we confront capitalism that festered in the basement of supremacy and was fueled by christianities stranglehold on morality, governance, and society for far too long. It is time to throw off the shackles and embrace one another in love. That means everyone - not just those who are white or are coded white but the poor, those who are LGBTQ+, foreigners, and the BIPOC people in our midst everyday.

Closing

I was especially struck by how Kaitlin pointed out that in the Prodigal Son parable the most important theme is the one of returning:

If we can return to the essence of our identities, we can teach the children around us to know who they are from a young age, and perhaps one day, when they are older, when they create the future, they will work together to change things and to heal systems we had no idea how to heal.

If we can return to the ways of our ancestors and those who cared for this land before it was taken from them then we can begin to reverse the systems of hate, supremacy, oppression, and extraction that have wrought so much damage.

Recommendation

I thoroughly enjoyed the book. I found it to be a fairly easy read - and I highlighted many parts of the book so I could find them easier in the future.

I would highly recommend this book, even to those who are atheist and/or agnostic. Kaitlin does not push her religion on you. It feels more like what the bible should have been all along - a recounting of stories and tales passed down from generation to generation. Not the words of a far off, calloused, patriarchal, oppressive, genocidal, maniacal god...

The eastern Olympics gets much less snow than the western mountains, at least that’s what I’m told. I couldn’t tell though. On the second trip up I was post-holing up to my waist. It’s deep out there.

Then a week later I found myself in the desert of Southern California. In the interest of traveling light I had just brought my climbing shoes. I bought a chalk bag and rented a crash pad at Nomad Ventures in Joshua Tree and headed into the park.

I got my hopes up, maybe a little too much when I onsighted a V4 in the Psycho Boulders area on my first climb. The rest of the trip I was left wondering where my mojo went when I got my butt handed to me on V0s. Joshua Tree bouldering is hard - and scary!

Getting food poisoning on day two didn’t help. Took me over a week to fully heal from that. Thanks a lot Cross Roads Cafe for the riveting memories of the pit toilet that I became all to aquainted with the second night.

I did rally though on day three and manage to solo a super easy class five face out in the Lonesome Crowded West area of the park. Despite the dibilitating stomach issues it was a great trip. It was the first time in over eight years that I had more than twelve continuous hours to myself. The silence… and freedom took a while to get used to.

I’ll probably head out to Mount Townsend area again next week. There was some promising looking couliours around Silver Lake that I should be able to tag in a quick trip. Due to the stomach bug though I hardly ate for a week so I lost a lot of weight and as such I’m feeling a little weak. I think I’ll head out for some easy mountain bike rides in the meantime to help my body get back into the swing of things.

Free heel = free mind. Namaste!

Jesus had one motive and it was to turn people into children of God. As Christians we are called to be disciples of Christ. As disciples our sole motive in this life should be to glorify Jesus Christ. Simple enough right? Sure, but how should we bring glory to Jesus? Well we can start and end by following His commands. Thankfully He provided clear and undeniable instructions on what those commands are.

Mark 12:28–31

One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”

“The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’

The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

There is no commandment greater than these.”

So, in the light of the second command I am going to make my case for how disciples of Christ should respond to the pandemic.

To start I will recognize that all men to some degree or another love the darkness (John 3:19) and that it takes a miracle of the Holy Spirit to bring someone out of the darkness and turn her or him into a disciple. What is darkness? Put simply it is someone claiming their right to them self; to live life from their point of view. However, as disciples of Christ we are called to march to a different drum, to be different (Galatians 2:20). We give up our right to our self. Our entire life is devoted to following Christ’s command and to make disciples.

There is a lot going on in our world today. There is too much anger, strife, hate, malice, injustice, and very little peace. As disciples of Christ we are called to be peacemakers and this calling puts us in a unique position to speak love, peace, and restoration into the world. Right now that is what the world needs — love sweet love and a good helping of peace too.

Jesus says in Matthew 5 that the peacemakers are blessed because they will be called children of God (side note::interesting that peace leads to the fulfillment of Christ’s mission). You could make a very compelling case that there is no harder time in the history of our world than right now to be a peacemaker. I know of too many Christians whose primary motive is to claim their right to them self in the defense of their new god — patriotism. Now I know that that is a scalding statement but hear me out. We need a more balanced approach to the pandemic that is ravaging not only our country but the world. We need to get re-rooted in love for our neighbor and recognize that first and foremost we are to follow the commands given by our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. We need to view our neighbors through the lens of empathy instead of narcissism.

So, where do we start? Well how about with masks…

A Christians response to Masks

If we are called to “Love your neighbor as yourself” how does that look when asked to wear a mask? My pastor was talking the other Sunday about Pascal’s Wager (an all or nothing styled argument) and I think it is a good way to view not only the mask mandate but other facets of the COVID-19 mandates. First for those not familiar with Pascal’s Wager it goes like this:

Suppose there is no God.

Then when I die, as a believer, I have lost nothing.

I just die, as a man that devoted his life to love and morals.

But if you, as a non-believer, are wrong and I am right, you have to spend an eternity in hell.

I have nothing to lose, but you have everything to lose.

Taking the all or nothing argument into the realm of masks first we must establish that there are one of three possible truths about mask:

1. Masks do help prevent the spread of COVID-19.

2. Masks do not help prevent the spread of COVID-19.

3. This option does not exist, only one of the above two claims can be true.

Before I begin I am assuming that you, the reader, are a believer that understands that at the end of your life G-d will hold you accountable for your actions. This article is geared towards Christians. If you are agnostic/atheist then do whatever you want — there are no eternal consequences. Unless you are wrong then there are…

So, let us assume that contrary to scientific consensus that number two is correct (To be absolutely clear I believe number two to be emphatically and undeniably false. I believe that masks do help slow and/or prevent the spread of COVID-19. For the sake of this argument though I am playing the devil’s advocate.).

A revised pascal wager:

Masks do not help prevent the spread of COVID-19.

Therefore when you die, G-d will not hold you accountable for not wearing a mask that did nothing to stop the spread of a contagious deadly disease.

But if masks do help prevent the spread of COVID-19 and you chose not to wear one you will be judged for the reckless lack of caring for your neighbors welfare.

How do you think G-d will respond to that blatant disregard for the welfare of your fellow man when you face Him?

Let me put it another way. If the second greatest commandment is to love our neighbors am I breaking that commandment if I kill my neighbor?

What if I choose to drive recklessly on the highway and because of that choice I kill another person? Am I loving that person?

What if I decide to climb to the top of tall building and throw cinder blocks off the top and one hits a person and kills them? Am I loving that person?

What if I refuse to wear a mask inside of a grocery story and a fellow shopper inhales my exhaled saliva particles, contracts COVID-19, and dies a few weeks later? Am I loving that person?

The only significant difference between those three scenarios is that the first two have an immediate confirmation of consequential behavior; while the last one the perpetrator may never know that their choices resulted in someones death. However, just because they do not have immediate undeniable confirmation of their choices leading to someones death does that mean they are not guilty of killing that person? Of course not (especially when experts are telling them that their behavior is dangerous).

A Christians response to Fear

I do not know anyone who enjoys social distancing, stay at home orders, and hand sanitizer EVERYWHERE most of just wish things could go back to the way they used to be. Like pre-9/11 when you could walk to the gate with a loved one at the airport to say goodbye. I have lost count of how many times my far-right friends and family have told me that mandate followers are succumbing to fear (and a whole host of other things such as socialist mind control methods, an accusation that I will avoid discussing in this article).

Wearing a mask is not succumbing to fear and here is why. I have been driving cars for 22 years. I have been traveling in cars for 38 years. In all that time and at least the million miles I have driven I have only been involved in two car accidents. If you follow the logic of the anti-mandators that posits that those who wear masks are succumbing to fear then I beg the question: Are you succumbing to fear when you wear a seatbelt while driving?

At the time of publishing my odds of getting in a car accident are around two in at least a million (probably more), while my chances of getting COVID-19 are 1 in 40 (two hundred million infections against a world population of almost eight billion). Yet I still chose to wear my seat-belt… Engaging in risk minimizing behavior is not giving into fear, it is being wise. I wear a helmet when I ride my bike. I use a rope when I am rock climbing. To not do so is resolving to engage in a suddenly much more risky activity.

Going back to the aforementioned revised Pascal’s Argument if there is nothing to fear yet my neighbor chooses to engage in fearing something that does not really exist is it then loving my neighbor to mock them, shame them, ostracize them, penalize them, or laugh at them? Now on the other hand how will my bully like behavior be judged, in the end by G-d, if my neighbor is indeed correct to be concerned, to be fearful, and I am incorrect about COVID-19 being a deadly disease and therefore not following basic guidelines to help slow or prevent its spread? I get it COVID-19 is at the least a huge inconvenience and at its worst it can kill you. No one likes having to stand in huge lines at the grocery store, wear masks outside in 90 heat, or being told to stay at home if infected. However, today counts for forever — so love your neighbor and do what you are told (Mark 12:13–17)

To drive this point home let me ask, what was the last instructions Jesus gave before departing for Heaven after His resurrection?

Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation.

How in the world are you going to successfully preach the gospel to all of creation if you do not meet people where they are at? How do your actions of anger, resentment, frustration, and disobedience as a professing disciple of Christ appear to those who are lost and in need of hearing the gospel preached to them? I have chosen to believe the experts that are telling me that COVID-19 is a real disease that can kill and has killed millions of people, which leads me to my third and final point.

A Christians response to The Vaccine

I used to be an anti-vaxxer. It was one of the many assumptions of “gospel” truth I used to believe, plus let’s be honest it kind of goes hand in hand with the far-right movement these days. Having just recently ran for my life (literally) from that band wagon I have fresh memories of the distrust and incredulity I had towards the whole pharmaceutical industry. I have seen this similar attitude of distrust and incredulity in the recent stance taken by those against getting the COVID-19 vaccine. A common anti-vaxxer justification for not getting vaccinated goes something like this:

“It is a logical leap wider than the Grand Canyon to conclude that a person choosing not to be vaccinated is “killing” other people. Particularly in an era of free, effective vaccines for those who want them, such a statement is jaw dropping hyperbole to say the least.” (a quote from an actual article taken from a prominent far-right “news” source that I will not grace with a hyperlink ).

In our day to day life we trust experts with all sorts of things. Can I prove that the moon is indeed on average 238,855 miles away from earth? No, I am not an expert. I do not posses the equipment or knowledge to prove or disprove this information. The experts have told me that this number is accurate — so, would I then be wrong to say that they are incorrect and that the moon is actually 485,654 miles from earth? Of course I would. Scientists, doctors, and epidemiologist (experts in their prospective fields) are telling me that COVID-19 can and will mutate if left on its own and that the best chance of stopping it is to get vaccinated. If I chose to ignore that qualified advice and a variant does mutate and begin spreading then I am partially responsible for helping that mutated variant spread. Therefore, by choosing not to be vaccinated I am contributing to a situation that is killing people.

Of course this supposes that the scientists, doctors, and epidemiologists are correct. They could also all be incorrect. So, what do I lose if I get vaccinated and they are wrong? On the flip side though — what do I lose if they are right and I do not get vaccinated? Well by making one choice I am guilty of killing other people (which I have already established earlier as not loving them). On the other side of the argument if I get vaccinated and it does help stop the spread of variants then I am guilty of loving my neighbor (by increasing their odds of not contracting a mutated variation of the COVID-19 virus and dying).

As a vegan I believe that there is ample proof of immoral behavior in the animal food product industry, undeniable negative health consequences from eating food filled with preservatives, synthetic hormones, chemicals, and dyes, and a negative effect of those food choices on our planet. All of these things are wrong (Revelations 11:18b) and I have chosen to take a stance against them. Before going vegan my family spent around $1,500 a year per person on animal products (milk, cheese, meat, etc…). Removing that $1,500 from the food industry is an infinitesimal drop in the bucket. What kind of change can that really make? Well not much on its own but when you combine those choices with other like minded people the amplification becomes impossible to ignore. I recently read that 10% of Americans are plant based or vegans. Doing the math that is roughly 33 million people or $49,500,000,000.00 yearly (assuming each of those people spent an average of $1,500 a year on animal based products) not going into the animal food product industry. That is a huge voice for change and from only 10% of the population. Imagine if 100% of all Christians got vaccinated today? Your small actions can have global consequences.

The vaccine should not be a political statement. Masks should not be a political statement. Social distancing should not be a political statement. And they should absolutely 100% undeniably not be political statement from professing Christians who claim to espouse Christian values. This should be obvious but to many it is not, hence the reason for my decision to publish this article.

I would be remiss if I did not acknowledging that there are many people who have valid and reasonable reasons for not having gotten the vaccine yet (work conflicts, and pre-existing medical conditions for example). I am hesitant to add fear of adverse effects to the qualified list because the propensity for adverse effects is very very low. However, there is a lot of false information out there — so I understand that there are some who are fearful. Almost my entire family is anti-vaxxers, so by getting the vaccine I was pushing back against all the “advice” from my family. I would be lying if I said that I was not a little fearful that maybe they were right… Either way I am in no way speaking against those people and the situations that they find themselves in that have precluded them from getting the vaccine.

If you do not have a valid reason for not getting the vaccine then I ask the question can you really call yourself a Christian? Harsh I know, and we all fall short… However, if you are willing to compromise on the health, well being, and livelihood of countless people than what else are you compromising on?

I know that there will be those who are firmly opposed to my viewpoints and believe my arguments to be fraught with holes. To those who fall into that camp, that is fine. You do not have to agree with me. Just answer the question: How do your actions in regards to COVID-19 prove that you are adhering to the command to love your neighbors as yourself? Furthermore in the light of John 14:15 if you are not following the command to love your neighbor are you truly capable of loving G-d and if you are not loving G-d how can you bring His son glory, which should be your primary motive in this life?

As Christians we are called to love our neighbor (for a refresher on who your neighbor is read Luke 10:25–37) and during this global pandemic we are being offered an incredible opportunity to showcase Christ’s love to our neighbors. Our actions of loving our neighbors will pour forth speech and dark night after dark night they will reveal knowledge but no sound will be heard from them. What a wonderful way to go and preach the gospel to all of creation!

2 Corinthians 4:16–18

Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day.

For our present troubles are small and will not last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!

So we do not look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

As a Christian on this earth are you making the most of your time here or are you more concerned with your rights to yourself such as constitutional freedoms, breathing “free air”, your personal comfort; and being dragged down by anger, malice, discontentment, frustration, hatred, and resentment towards your neighbors?

If you have come to help me, you are wasting your time. If you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together.

-Lilla Watson, Aboriginal Wisdom Keeper

My Activism

Over the last year I have become very involved in common sense gun legislation activism through Connecticut Against Gun Violence & Moms Demand Action. It is very rewarding work but it is also gut wrenching, draining, and sometimes seems so pointless. Even with 10 Million plus members across the nation (in Moms Demand Action a part of the Everytown Network) it often appears to be impossible to make any headway against the stalwart determination of the pro gun factions of our society who are opposed to saving lives, reducing violence, and restoring peace and tranquility to our communities. Our news is filled daily with horror story after horror story of violence, carnage, destruction, and hate. Our country is literally tearing itself apart. As the past year has unfolded I have become more discouraged, more depressed, and frustrated.

Then I began to read Asha Frost's book. It was as if the winds began to stir and push rain clouds into the dry desert of my soul. With each turn of the page I felt more and more like a child again. I splashed in the newly formed puddles and felt the rain of restoration, rejuvenation, love, peace, acceptance, encouragement, and empowerment seep into my soul.

"Every human's purpose in this lifetime is to raise the consciousness of this planet and help it evolve to a greater state of love." I loved this wisdom. How do we help the Earth evolve to a greater state of love? We do this through engaging in our healing work and focusing on how our soul is calling us to share our gifts.

My Complicity

Yoga Unity Activist Susanna Barkataki says in her book Embrace Yoga's Roots, "To get to true oneness, we have to face the ways we may have been complicit in causing separation."

I am now entering my fourth year of de-conversion and deconstruction from the systems of oppression, indoctrination, fear mongering, patriarchy, racism, and white supremacy that I was enmeshed in through the decades I spent in the evangelical church. My actions then were not malicious but rather rooted in lies, false truths, and fear. However, I did participate in systems of harm, separation, and violence that have left me grieving as I come to discover how deep these lies have run into my psyche, soul, spirit, bones, and heart. Because of my de-conversion from christianity I have begun exploring other faith traditions.

Where I live in Connecticut, my home resides on the lands of the Mohegans and Pequot. I even have Native American archeological sites on the small piece of land where my home resides! When I go for a walk in the woods near my home I can sense the energies of the people who resided, who hunted, fished, foraged, loved, died, and thrived on the land.

Reading Asha's book has lead me down the path to discovering my connection to the land. It has also helped me identify the plant and animal spirits that can help guide my efforts, my activism, my journey, and my spirit into healing, restoration, and harmony.

My Medicine

Owning your Medicine and sharing it doesn't have to be complicated. It's the most uncomplicated thing in the world, because it is something you have always walked with. - Asha Frost

An idea that Asha planted in my mind, as I read her book, was about finding my own medicine. For me this has been accomplished by journeying along and among my life's challenges. Through this pain, stretching, and uncertainty I have begun to find my medicine.

The violence of our society has been especially prevalent in my neighborhood. There are reminders of guns, republicans, and trump on nearly every street corner and neighbors yard. The hate, malice, discontentment, and fear has permeated and overtaken nearly every facet of life in our quaint rural town. Because of this I have been seeking a respite from the oppressive and every present negative energies that surround our home and the land we have been entrusted to care for. Combined with my experiences with violence and hate in the US Marine Corps as an Infantryman and my mother's death by suicide with a firearm I have been galvanized to action. For one year I worked tirelessly but lately I could sense that I was burning out, that I was mentally and physically exhausted. I began to turn more and more to alcohol to deaden the pain and frustration.

Then I read about the Bear and how it served, helped, and cared for the plants and animals. However, it does not only exemplify caring for others but also self care. The Bear hibernates and rests for longs periods of time. Like the Bear I too must practice self-care and recognize when my spirit and my energy need to be protected. This is especially true as I have come to recognize the trauma of not only my youth but the trauma of my religious upbringing and my deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan.

Moving Forward

"In Native American tradition, there is a Haudenosaunee legend that claims that the violet is a child born of both sky and earth. Therefore, it is often considered to be a symbol of harmony, balance, and opportunity."

There is so much that I would love to share about this book that impacted me but I won't. Why? Because it would be a disservice to you, my reader. You must make the effort and put in the emotional labor of reading this book. Reading my cliff notes would provide only a tiny infinitesimally small sliver of benefit to you versus reading Asha's book from cover to cover yourself. If you do read this book, I promise you will benefit immensely from the effort and it will be well worth your time.

I especially enjoyed the book because it was clearly directed towards women from a woman's perspective yet it felt relevant to all sexes. As a hetero-normative presenting white male I found the female centric nature of the book to be refreshing. Through our societies long standing patriarchal systems men have been centered for far too long. I appreciated the fresh perspective that Asha afforded me, a male reader, to her journey and spirituality. It was a fascinating read full of hope and promise. A hope and promise that I had sought for so long but never found in christianity despite decades of searching.

Namaste✌🏽

The Hobbit

1Q84

The Awakening of Malcom X

The Universal Christ

Extraterrestrial: The First Sign of Intelligent Life Beyond Earth

About 20% of the way through The Art of Happiness I knew that it was going to be added to my very short list of five star books. This one book has proven to be more transformational, empowering, or inspiring than perhaps any book I have **ever** read. Strong words of praise I know, but I believe it to be 100% warranted and accurate.

This was a difficult essay to write. I struggled with what to include and what not to include. If I focused on everything that stood out to me as impactful and relevant this essay would be a novel. Since [I am already writing a novel](https://wormwoodsaga.com), I do not have time to write another it took a concerted effort to boil this down to a more manageable size.

After much pondering, thinking, and meditating I believe that I have settled on the key aspects of this book that I want to share. So, without further ado let me begin...

The purpose of life

The overarching purpose of our life is to be happy and to avoid suffering (which detracts from our happiness).

Everyone, and I mean _everyone_, already possess what they need to be happy - a mind.

If you want to be happy than you should seek out what brings you happiness. Part of this seeking is to identify the emotions that cause you unhappiness and suffering.

Now for instance, hatred, jealousy, anger, and so on are harmful. We consider them negative states of mind because they destroy our mental happiness; once you harbor feelings of hatred or ill feeling towards someone, once you yourself are filled by hatred or negative emotions, then other people appear to you as also hostile. So as a result there is more fear, greater inhibition and hesitation, and a sense of insecurity. These things develop, and also loneliness in the midst of a world perceived as hostile. All these negative feelings develop because of hatred.

As a recently de-constructed evangelical christian (aka exvangelical) perhaps one of the most striking aspects of this book was the Buddhist belief that we (humans) are basically good, gentle, happiness seeking, and that we possess an underlying nature that is free of negative emotions or thoughts (Buddha Nature). As a christian for 30 years I was taught and believed emphatically that I was a horrible sinner, that even my best intentions and actions were filthy rags. Buddhism's departure from this destructive doctrine was a breath of fresh air. When you believe that you are worthless and will only become worthy when you die and God lets you into heaven you spend your life immersed in shame, guilt, and fear. Christianity does not produce happiness - at least the brand that has lead to MAGA, Trumpism, christian-nationalism, moms for liberty, all lives matter bullshit, and the list could go on forever. People who identify as christian and claim to be happy I believe are truly not. Go ahead try and convince me otherwise in the comments below if you want. I have been an evangelical christian who volunteered for all manner of ministries and have spoken to hundreds (maybe thousands) of like minded followers of evangelical christianity over the course of three decades. Evangelical christians are not happy - they are angry, they are full of malice, judgement, guilt, shame, fear, dissension, and frustration.

Intimacy & Compassion

Buddhists believe that all humans are endowed with the seed of compassion. Under the right conditions and with care and attention it can grow and help us live happier, more fulfilling lives. For me the best way to grow compassion has been to leave the church. I am sick and tired of having to explain that when I say that "I am a christian" it does not mean that I stubbornly adhere to and am devoted towards opinions and preconceived judgments against groups of people. That I am not fearful, distrustful, and deeply concerned about foreigners. That I am willing to grant equal freedom to everyone. That I am not overcome with a strong displeasure, threatening or violent state, actively expressed opposition or a deep seated ill will. That I try to be humble and not exhibit an attitude of superiority. That I approve of different ideas or opinions.

Once we conclude that the basic nature of humanity is compassionate rather than aggressive, our relationship to the world around us changes immediately. Seeing others as basically compassionate instead of hostile and selfish helps us relax, trust, live at ease. It makes us happier.

Suffering

So, the purpose of this life is to seek happiness. We possess what we need to be happy. Using our mind to strive for compassion is the first step in unlocking happiness. But what causes suffering?

Pretty much all forms of suffering is caused by **ignorance** which is what **greed** and **hatred** stems from. Perhaps the only suffering I can think of that is not directly caused by ignorance and cannot be addressed by wisdom is disease. Sure we can live healthy lives abstaining from an unhealthy diet (one of the main reasons I am vegan), exercising, controlling what we come into contact with in our environment and day to day life. But with even the greatest care there is so much out of our control and eventually we will all die.

What is the opposite of these vices? Wisdom, generosity, and compassion.

When you are engaged in the practice of patience and tolerance, in reality, what is happening is you are engaged in a combat with hatred and anger. Since it is a situation of combat, you seek victory, but you also have to be prepared for the possibility of losing that battle. So while you are engaged in combat, you should not lose sight of the fact that in the process, you will confront many problems. You should have the ability to withstand these hardships. Someone who gains victory over hatred and anger through such an arduous process is a true hero.

We come into this world addicted to our misery, to our anger, to our unhappiness. Learning to let go of this innate desire is the key to living a happy life.

Overcoming

What about when something out of our control happens - a mass shooting, the death of family member, or a bad prognosis from our doctor for example?

The Buddhist acceptance of impermanence - that everything is in a constant state of change helps us to develop a pliant mind. As the waves of trauma, pain, and suffering batter us if we have a pliant mind we can maintain a positive outlook.

We are not alone in our suffering. Horrible things happen to everyone. This world sucks sometimes.

Anthony De Mello in his book "Awareness" said:

I have often said to people that the way to really live is to die. The passport to living is to imagine yourself in your grave. Imagine that you are lying flat in your coffin and you are dead. See the body decomposing, then the bones, then it all turning to dust. Now look at your problems from that viewpoint. Changes everything, doesn’t it?

I have experienced quite a lot of trauma in my life. Two deployments to Iraq (2003) and Afghanistan (2010). I experienced too many atrocities while over there that have haunted me for decades. Then there was generational trauma in my family. My mother suffered from mental illness my entire childhood. My parents were involved in several cults. Then there is the issue of the indoctrination of the evangelical church.

If one comes across a person who has been shot by an arrow, one does not spend time wondering about where the arrow came from, or the caste of the individual who shot it, or analyzing what type of wood the shaft is made of, or the manner in which the arrowhead was fashioned. Rather, one should focus on immediately pulling out the arrow. — Shakyamuni, the Buddha

I can focus on where I have been, who shot the arrow and why. Or I can recognize the arrow's impact on my life and then move on and focus on where I am going and where I want to be.

The Art of Happiness A Handbook for Living by HH Dalai Lama & Howard C. Cutler has empowered me to cast aside my pain, anger, resentment, and fear and instead shown me how to become who I have always wanted to be - happy, compassionate, wise, and generous.

The effect is a white supremacist administration taking over every branch of our government. The destruction of DEI initiatives. The demonization and dehumanization of human beings who just want to be left alone to love their peers and to make decisions about their own bodies - to live in peace. The rolling back and attack on common sense gun laws put in place to try and make our existence in schools and other public spheres marginally safer. And don't even get me started on the wonton unchecked destruction of our planets limited resources that we will soon be facing.

What is driving all this? To boil it down to its most pure and basic ingredient - desire. A desire for wealth. A desire for power. A desire for opulence.

In the face of this madness I will ask one question. What do we all have in common?

We will ALL DIE. So, then when the inevitable happens will you take any of what you have so deeply desired with you?

We all know the answer to that... Sadly, not enough of us have stopped for even a moment to ponder our own mortality

Perhaps if we did we would not find ourselves in perhaps the darkest days of the entire history of humankind.

So, how does one find happiness in the midst of this absolute foul crock of shit we find ourselves in? May I posit that it begins (and ends) with love. What is love? There are a whole slew of answers to that question. The answer I prefer is this: to desire the happiness of another. Our incoming cheeto-in-chief is not going to make anyone happier. Sure he may give them what they desire - power, wealth, permission to hate, etc... but in the end that will not lead to happiness.

So, in the meantime - while we watch the world burn literally and figuratively all we can do is promote a lifestyle of peace and love. In the face of unchecked avarice and hate this will prove to be supremely difficult - it may even cost us dearly; perhaps our very lives. Yet it is the only way. If we respond to hate with hate, we are just perpetuating the cycle.

In closing I would say: Be kind to yourself. Be kind to others. Help where you can. Resist wisely when you can. Talk less and listen more. And above all don't forget to breath! It is the only thing tying us to the hear and now. Namaste 🍆

My musings will be brief today - I don't much feel like writing...

I have been vacillating between disbelief, pain, and a subtle desire to vomit since I awoke with a start at 0200 this morning with an acute sense that something was very very wrong. Before I flicked my iPhone awake though I knew what I was about to see...

I wrote yesterday that I did not have much hope that love and compassion would win... but oh how I was hoping that I could write today about how wrong I was, that america had responded to the hate, intolerance, anger, and ignorance by restraining it.

I read this post on Reddit early this morning and it inspired me (it was pulled from the Buddhist subreddit but I found it in conservative-terrorism. It was quite beautiful - poignant yet inspiring). To paraphrase the post the OP mused that the americans who had voted for [a pedophile, lying, crass, felon] did so from a place of anger, hatred, and ignorance. Perhaps they had never been shown a way of life, of thinking, that revolved around compassion, love, and affirmation. As a Buddhist I now have, whether I like it or not, an immense opportunity (responsibility?) to respond to this hate, anger, and ignorance with a measure of compassion and love. Even if you aren't a Buddhist a measured and loving response to those we interact with in the coming years who unleashed this travesty upon our country is the most constructive, therapeutic, and effective. Let me close with a story that proves this premise:

In 2016 I was in the depths of my xtian nationalist alt-right ideology and as such I voted for "the one who shall not be named" (hasn't he already been centered enough by even those who are opposed to what he represents?). I remember thinking how odd and laughable even (a fact that I am ashamed to admit now) the Democrats weeping was when Hillary lost. Then fast-forward to January 6, 2020 - I was only a few months into my deconstruction (de-conversion was still a solid year away at that point) and I was struck by the dichotomy of responses. Democrats cried and then moved on with their lives. Republicans stormed the capitol, tried to kill politicians and police officers (how many of those 'protestors' went home that day and climbed into their lifted pickups that were plastered with 'thin blue line' stickers emblazoned on their windows?), and in general threw temper-tantrums for the next four years like toddlers. I noticed the difference and it was formational in my rejecting xtianity and embracing a way of life rooted in love and compassion.

We (the #bluewall) are better than that, we must be better than that. We may have lost the culture war but we don't have to lose our humanity and decency or else we are just as bad as those who voted red last night.

Namaste 🙏🏾

The second book is titled Asi.

It’s been an absolute blast getting it ready to publish this past week. I put probably twenty hours this week into tightening up the story, tweaking the plot, and making a slew of edits.

I kind of expected to feel a huge sense of relief, accomplishment, pride, even joy when I hit the publish button for the final chapters of book one. Instead I just felt flat, which struck me as kind of odd. I talked about it this a bit with my writer’s group QAWC.

The Queer & Affirming Writer's Collective by Mike Maeshiro

My personal Substack

Even after sharing the milestone with them I still didn’t feel any sense of accomplishment. I mean I’m a self-published author of a book with two more in the pipeline. That’s kinda cool right?

This whole process was never intended to be a big deal for me though I guess. No agent, no signing deal, no hard cover copy to hold in my hand. Just simple, easy, and free for the world to enjoy (or not 🤣).

Having an outlet for my art, for my self-expression has been profoundly therapeutic. Especially during this chaotic time in our countries history. There is so much greed, anger, hate, and ignorance running rampant through the halls of our government right now. Even all the way down to families, which are being splintered by divisive resentment. The later is something that I am all to familiar with, which makes me sad. I remember a time not so long ago when my family were normal moderates. Now many of them are radical extremists.

As the Buddhists like to say - everything is impermanent. Nothing stays the same forever.

On a side note I’ve been migrating an old blog titled Exploring and Pondering (E&P) from it’s old home to here, which is why you may have been seeing (and will see for another week or two) previously published articles shared here. An easy way to tell if a post an E&P post or something related to my saga is that if the post has watercolor images then it’s my saga. If it’s a stock photo than it’s something else…

The goal is to eventually have all my writing living here in Substack. I have way too many blogs up and running right now.

• One for outdoor adventures of the fishing and skiing variety.

• Another for my cycling.

• Another for my philosophical musings

• Another for my technical computer programing.

• And finally this one for my writing ‘career’.

Yea, I need to do some serious work making my online footprint a lot less spread out. It’s too much work keeping it all afloat.

Anyways, I’m getting distracted (something that my ADHD self LOVEs to do). If you’d like to check out Asi book two in the Saga you can do so here:

Final chapter of Aiōn Book One

First chapter of Asi Book Two

There is a lot a confusion and mis/dis-information these days (on both sides I'll admit although the right takes the cake on doomsday imagery for sure). Maybe it won't be as bad as the media says it will be if the alt-right xtian nationalists win... One can only hope.

Nevertheless I've been pondering about the idea of keeping it simple and easy. What would it look like if all the predicted negative outcomes from a right-wing platform of hate, intolerance, fear, loathing, malice, discontent, and guns came to pass?

Either way who ever becomes our next president there will be millions of people who are scared, angry, and resentful. One side has a lot of guns and has shown numerous times in the past a complete disdain for human life (they seem to only care for the unborn). What will they do if they lose? I do know one thing - they don't take losing well.

I recently wrote about trying to understanding the right after listening to an Allan Watts podcast. His explanation of how america is the most paranoid nation on earth really hit home. He said this in the 70's. If he thought we were paranoid then what would he think now? Too many american's are absolutely deranged and devoid of any compassion or empathy. Why? I believe it stems directly from a lifetime of paranoia indoctrination. How else do you explain the fact that there are now more guns in our country than people? We are a nation filled with terror of each other, a lack of trust in one another, and a deep hatred fueled by the intolerance of our neighbor. How does this end well?

Are there enough of us left to stem the tide of bigotry, xenophobia, hatred, intolerance, discontent, and fear? I don't think so... but I can hope that I am wrong. I just don't have much of that left in me. So, as of now I have resigned myself to feeling wrung out, exhausted, demoralized, and worried about the coming storm.

Simple and easy....

Simple and easy....

Simple and easy....

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Simple and easy....

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Simple and easy....

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Simple and easy....

Simple and easy....

😢

Gods with anuses

In our life we are reaching for heaven but in the end we will all become compost. We will return to the soil from whence we came. This reality has forced us as a species to create immortality vehicles - or "hero systems" as a means to escape death and achieve "immortality" by being remembered. However,being forgotten is the chief result of every person. Do you remember the name of the richest person in the world in 1830? I do not. Only once in a great while does someones name become enshrined in the public consciousness for more than a century. The rest of us are doomed to be forgotten long after we have been consumed and returned to the soil from "whence we came".

We are living in a cycle of eating to be eaten. "Seen from this elevation creation is a mind-boggling bloodbath of murder, death, consumption, and rot, of life entwined with death."

Acceptance

"How much unnecessary suffering is required by this system of denial of death as a species? How much harm to other beings, animate and inanimate, and to other humans—indeed to whole cultures and continents—do we cause through the ever-accelerating practices of exploitation and extraction that feed our pursuit of immortality through infinite growth?"

Many scientists agree that the extinction of the human race is all but assured. For example our rampant extraction of the earth's ground water has lead to irreparable damage to our planet. Our axis, rotation, orbit, and magnetic field [have all been permanently altered](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/rampant-groundwater-pumping-has-changed-the-tilt-of-earths-axis/). Timothy Beal posits that we should begin as a species to collectively consider palliative approach to our destruction. When someone is dying the palliative approach is to minimize their suffering while maximizing the time that they have left. As our time on this earth becomes short what should we focus on for our communities and our world? Peace, stop extracting resources for the sole purpose of gaining wealth. Restoring species and people groups to their native land/habitat. Pay reparations to those we have exterminated, to those we have held back through systems of racism, slavery, and forced poverty.

Capitalism

"These are apocalyptic times. We are witnessing the revelation, the unmasking of American exceptionalism’s deep dependence on white racism, violence, and exploitation. Will it be enough to break through the denial that sustains our delusions of chosenness and special blessing as a nation?"

For too long our country has wielded the bible as a weapon to justify the rape of first our pristine continent and then our world. We took and took and took until there wasn't anything left to take and then we figured out a way to take something else to replace the thing that was no longer there to take because we took it all. We did all this in the name of G_d. We raped, we exterminated, we oppressed, we hated, we judged, we extracted, we overruled, we dominated - all in the name of Jesus.

Final thoughts...

This book was a hard read for me. It made we weep, it made me angry, it made me despondent. But more importantly it woke me up to the fact that I cannot sit idly by and watch from the sidelines while my country destroys itself and the planet we call home. Things are getting bad and things are getting worse - or maybe it just seems that way to me but this is how every generation thinks since the dawn of time. I do not know but what I do know is that Timothy Beal is right - christianity has been terribly wrong in the past, present, and if we do not change we will continue to be so in the future. The time is now - it is too late to save ourselves. But it is not too late to change and do something good, do something right, to love, and to make peace.

So, we shifted to the idea of purchasing a shed for our back yard. Something around 14'x20' would be big enough we thought. The price was better than a full make over of our attic too. The shed builder told us though that we would need a permit before they could start. I contacted our city to see about getting a shed permit. Turns out the process is fairly complicated. First they had to determine if my land was near any wetlands (it is not), once that was determined they emailed me a form to request the permit. Since the shed was more than 200 square feet the permit would cost $$$. If wanted to bring electrical, propane (for heat), or put a urinal in the shed I would need to get separate permits for those items. The shed also had to be 75' from the road and at least 30' from my property line. Furthermore I had to construct the foundation from certain types of stone or concrete. Once all this was taken care of someone would come out and inspect the shed to be sure I had not lied on my permit application. In other words it was a lot of work to just get permission to put a small shed on my own land.

Currently several of my neighbors (at least seven) have shooting ranges in their back yards. One neighbor has a fairly regular shoot out in his backyard that makes the Battle of Fallujah seem like a 1st Graders cowboy themed birthday party. He has full auto weapons spewing bullets that zing off of steel plates for a good hour or two before he runs out of ammo and you can once again hear yourself think inside your own home. I thought to myself that if I had to go through the rigamarole to get a permit to put a shed in my backyard the same should be true for a shooting range in one's backyard.

So, I decided to feign interest in building one in my backyard and went down to the local police station to ask what I needed to do. After waiting patiently in the lobby for a few minutes I was greeted by a cordial Sergeant. I told him I wanted to put a shooting range in my backyard and was curious what I needed to do to make it happen. In short he told me that I did not really have to do anything. That I could just start shooting. He did suggest that maybe it would be a good idea to put something behind the targets to absorb the bullets. When I asked what that could be he said "Anything really". I asked if it could be a dirt berm and if there were regulations on how thick or tall it had to be. "Nope. You should just make it look like you tried to stop the bullets." Okay well then there has to be a law about how far behind the targets there can be no structures or forms of human encroachment (e.g. trails, farms, etc...). Turns out there is not. Furthermore I do not even have to get permission from my neighbors (or at the very least notify them) or those who abut my property to start shooting. I was absolutely flabbergasted to find this out. I mean I live in a state with a Democrat governor, it is not a liberal bastion like say California but it isn't exactly on the level of Texas. I thought for sure there would be some sort of city or state ordinance. On my back deck I have what appears to be a bullet hole in the railing. It could be any one of my neighbors with an unsafe shooting range near my home. Do I have to wait until I or someone I love gets shot before the city will do something about these insane personal shooting ranges?

I am pretty surprised and horrified that the state of Connecticut makes me jump through a bunch of hoops to put a shed on my land but there is literally no laws or regulations regarding shooting targets on my land.

Seems a little backwards to me... Of course with America's obsessions with guns I cannot say that I am surprised.